


My Dear Son

by benblatt



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: tw eating disorder, tw self harm, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26554861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benblatt/pseuds/benblatt
Summary: A letter from Cynthia to Connor.
Kudos: 9





	My Dear Son

My Dear Son,

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see you. It’s almost like you’re standing right in front of me again. I remember when you were younger; Your eyes had such a spark to them. Days spent at the orchard, when you and your sister would spend hours on end talking about whatever came to your minds. Sometimes you two would play tag, or hide and seek. But more often than not, you’d sit side by side and just talk.

I remember the one time Zoe asked what you wanted to be when you were older. You told her that you wanted to be a doctor, so you could help people when they needed it. Things were so simple back then. When you were young and had no cares, no one to hurt you or look down upon you. No one to make you feel like you didn’t matter anymore. I wish you never grew up. But doesn’t every mother wish that?

I miss when you would tell me about anything and everything. When you’d come to me when you were hurt, and I was able to make you feel better. I would kiss your cheek and you’d light up, as if that alone made all the pain go away. But as you grew older, I watched as that spark slowly drained from your eyes. When you’d look at me, I no longer saw that light you once had. I saw a cold, meaningless stare. I realized how much you had pushed everyone away. Pushed me away. I couldn’t make my little boy feel better anymore, and that shattered me. 

The constant arguing throughout the walls of our house, the now broken bond between you and Zoe, the kids at school who found you an easy target. You’d lock yourself in your room, refusing to talk to anyone for days on end. You were alone. My once happy and energetic son shut down. He was lost in the depths of his own mind, and couldn’t escape. He was stuck. It was like you were trapped in quicksand; Slowly sinking, and eventually, it would swallow you whole.

Over time I started to notice the little things. The long sleeves you wore even when it was ninety degrees outside. The less you ate at dinner, and how skinny you became. How you held yourself, trying to take up as little room as possible. But when I put everything together, it was already too late.

I remember when I found you that night. I stumbled into that same park, the same orchard we used to go to as a family, and saw you laying under a tree. All alone, and beyond the point of saving. Your skin was the palest I’ve ever seen it, and your eyes were completely lifeless. I thought I had seen the all spark drain out before, but it was so much worse than I thought it could be. Would be. At least you were breathing. But then you weren’t, and I realized you were gone for good this time.

I’m sorry I didn’t get you any help. I wish I did. I wish I did as soon as I noticed you were slipping away. As soon as I saw that change in you. But I didn’t, and it’s the thing I regret the most. I’m sorry I failed you, my baby. I’m so sorry. I miss you so much.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see you. It’s almost like you’re standing right in front of me again. Your eyes have such a spark to them. A spark so intense, it feels like my skin is on fire. But when I open my eyes, they’re gone. Just like you.

Love always,  
Mom

**Author's Note:**

> haha I wrote this for my creative writing class (obviously edited) and changed it to match deh >:) ur welcome for the pain


End file.
